lacking my own material...
Appreciated this forward from a friend. Enjoy this for a day or so while I try to rustle up something of my own life worthy to post. Best if read with a nice cup of tea and a scone.

True Quotes From London Underground Drivers
London Underground driver's quotes (as overheard by tube passengers)...

Heard on the Piccadilly Line:
This is Knightsbridge Station... All change here for Mr Fayed's little corner shop.

On the Northern Line:
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

On the Piccadilly Line:
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

On the Central line:
"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"

At King's Cross:
On the Victoria line:
"This is Brixton, ... err, no, it's Victoria!"

"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant!"

"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
"Please let the passengers off the train first...Please let the passengers off the train first... Please let the passengers off the train first... Let the passengers off the train FIRST!... Oh go on pack yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"

At West Hampstead:
"We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the f***ing door.

At Mill Hill East:
"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague):
"bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."

on the District Line:
"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

'Please stand clear of the doors' and 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl:
"step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun...unfortunately towels are not provided'.

On the District Line at Putney Bridge:
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

On the Jubilee Line:
"Keep your appendages inside the doors, please I hope that if you're changing here to continue your journey on another line that your next journey is as nice as this one was. That's if this one was nice of course, which it probably was if you were standing alongside an attractive person".

On the District line:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert the train wont move in the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...."

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