This Week's Sign of the Apocolypse
My mother is shopping at Forever 21.

Health, happiness, a chance to get to know my sister again, supportive parents. These are the things I'm thankful for this season. Oh, and a day set aside for raucous family games of croquet, dominoes and cards.


Don't Cry For Me, Arizona
So I finally gave in and tried that site that tells you who your celebrity lookalikes are, and the only one they gave me – the ONLY one! – was Eva Perón. But it wasn't a smokin' hot Madonna-esque picture they paired me with. It was a frumpy old woman version of Evita. I blame it on not having a decent picture of myself since I am always behind the camera. Thus, I am now soliciting your help in locating a suitable ( = smokin' hot) picture of me looking straight at the camera that will prove that I do indeed look like Reese Witherspoon, Laura Linney and Janel Moloney, or at least not an alleged fascist. Seriously, this is kinda depressing.

So apparently I didn't understand how this thing worked. I thought they were going to show me a nice collage like the ones people have posted on their blogs. So, going back through the process, I have discovered that it's not just that I look like an aging frump of a woman. I also resemble a Japanese animé director, Alan Alda and Moby, among other less-than-attractive men. Sharon Stone is the only redeeming face on this collage, and she's the bottom of the list. This thing is full of crap. And yet, I'm going to keep on trying pictures until I get the matches I deserve, of course.


Suggest Your Own Hedline Here
I stopped by the post office after work today to ship a package, and the guy in line in front of me looked familiar. I don't know many people outside of work around that part of town, and I couldn't quite place him. He was looking at me like he recognized me as well, so I said, "You know, you look a little familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?" He replied, "Yeah, I was thinking that too. Maybe from the clinic?" And this was the trajectory of my thoughts: Clinic...clinic...clinic...? Oh! The doctor's office! Oh! He was the doc who saw me while mine was out on maternity leave. Oh. My. God. The last time he saw me I was naked under a paper gown and he was looking up my vajayjay. I promptly turned red and probably remained that way for the 15 minutes I was stuck in line next to him. I don't think I've ever taken so long and done such a thorough job filling out the customs shipping form.

More Funny Sentences in my Voicemail
11.15.06 8:21 p.m.
"Hi! This is [CENSORED]. You may remember me from such appearances as 'That Guy You Knew in College' or 'That Guy Who Used to Return Your Phone Calls and Emails Promptly.'"


Why I Might Need a New Phone Sooner Rather Than Later
Or, Funny Sentences in My Voicemail
Lately my phone has not been notifying me when I receive a voicemail, so tonight I spent 15 minutes listening to old messages.

10.19 9:30 p.m.
Hi! It's [CENSORED]. I had a TiVo emergency and I missed Grey's because it didn't record it! I don't know what happened; it's a mess! So I need the rundown from you. So if you get this, it's 10:30 where I am right now, which means 9:30 where you are, or maybe it's 10:30 now. I always lose track of what our time difference is. But, um, if you get this tonight or anytime tomorrow whenever, just give me a call I need a little synopsis because I missed it! And they're not running it again any time soon. So boo on that! Anyway you will be my rescue.

11.6 6:06 p.m.
Jagshemash! This is Borat! No actually, it's [CENSORED] but that's my best Borat impression. God that was such a funny movie! Anyway, I'm on my way to a story. I'm running like a wild chicken today. This is the life of a small town newspaper reporter. This morning for a style story...Then I came to work and had to do calls...had a meeting, and then I was a night reporter and so I got sent to cover a fire... And now I have to go to a meeting...And then I have to go...And then I have to go back...and get everything else in line for election night...It's just nuts. I'm going crayzay! But anyway. This is going to be a really long message. Sorry. Anyway...Talk to you later! Bye!

11.6 7:10 p.m.
Haha! Holy whale's balls! This is like an intense game of phone tag all in like the past 24 hours. It's kinda like intense McGee...I've got old man ears recently and my phone was also kinda like "wah wah wah" kinda like Peanuts.

11.7 8:24 p.m.
Why hello! It's [CENSORED]...I haven't had access to my email so I feel like I'm in the Meideval Times...Oh! And your state is one of the reasons why I was not completely discouraged after the elections yesterday because if I remember correctly Arizona was the only state that had a same-sex marriage ban on the ballot that didn't pass...Anywho, I'll quit yabbering and Talk to you later. MWAH! Bye!

11.7 10:03 p.m.
Hey! It's [CENSORED]. We're having bad luck on the whole getting a hold of each other thing this week...


Cue David Bowie ("Ch-ch-ch-changes...")
Whewy, folks! It's been a crazy post-election day, huh? I've been almost giddy today when tracking the news:

+ A mandate on the need to change our tactics in Iraq
+ Rumsfeld's resignation
+ A woman just two heartbeats away from the presidency for the first time in history
+ Arizona the first state to reject a marriage amendment
+ A state-wide ban on smoking in bars and restaurants in Arizona
+ Looking forward to watching JD Hayworth pack up his office, which is just 4 doors down from our suite at work

But one of the best moments of last night's coverage on CSPAN was watching Santorum's son try not to break down on national tv. I know that's mean, and I probably wouldn't have made it without bawling, but seriously, you should have seen the poor kid.