Terra Incognita

Vignettes of the Weekend with Sarah

Scene: SARAH and ERICA are sitting at the bar at Amsterdam with their martinis in front of them. Madonna comes on for the second time during their 10 minutes of being there.

SARAH Madonna again? What is this? A gay bar?

The girls switch on their gaydar and scan the room.

SARAH Whispering. Um, my gaydar is totally going off on the bartender. And those two guys just left with their arms around each other.

ERICA Dude, we have to call Pat right now.

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About 45 minutes later at the same bar after it has filled up with more and more gays and lesbians. SARAH and ERICA are deep in conversation (you know, the usual: politics, religion, boys) as OLD GAY BARTENDER comes over and scoots SARAH's chair closer to ERICA.

OGB You know, she's not going to bite.

OGB Goes back to business behind the bar.

ERICA He totally thinks we're a lesbian couple. Hee hee.

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Still at Amsterdam, SARAH and ERICA are now getting their nails done for $5 by two stylists—one male, one female—who work at the bar every Monday night.

GAY MANICURIST With a lilt in his voice. You know, girl, I'm not sure if I wanna drink tonight. I mean, half of me does, but the other half doesn't.

ERICA Well, then you should only drink with your left hand, not your right.

GM Ooh, girl! I like the way you think! We're totally going to be friends.

ERICA But I'm only going to be friends with the half of you that's drinking.

GM Laughs. Alright, babycakes, what color are we doing tonight?

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It's after midnight in ERICA's room and the two girls are in their respective beds.

ERICA Sneezing and blowing her nose. Blech.

SARAH Coughing. Uggh.

ERICA What the dynamic duo the two of us make this weekend.

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The same night, while discussing the finer points of Saved! before drifting off to sleep.

ERICA You know, I've decided I want a guy who is a combination of Patrick Fugit's characters in Saved! and Almost Famous. But out of high school, of course.

SARAH Oooh, yeah. Hip, but caring.

ERICA Totally hip. Knows what he believes in, but appreciates others' beliefs, too. That scene where he asks Mary out...

SARAH Oh yeah..."You're, like, totally adorable." What a cutie. But he'd definitely need to be out of high school. We'll go for the future Fugit.

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Walking along Mill Avenue near the ASU campus

ERICA Ahhh!!! No! Make it stop!

SARAH What?!

ERICA Points. That sign is all in Comic Sans!

ERICA pulls out camera to yet again document the travesty that is the misuse of Comic Sans font.

SARAH You know, you should start a blog like Fiscus's Learn to Spell, America and post pictures of ugly Comic Sans.

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SARAH and ERICA have met SARAH's cousin JODI and JODI's friend MICKEY at Casey Moore's near campus so that SARAH can play with JODI's baby PHOENIX. SARAH coos and giggles at PHOENIX.

ERICA I think between Viviane, Bandit and Phoenix, you're going to have used up your Cute Thing quotient for January, Sarah.

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At a gas station after leaving Casey Moore's. The girls receive a text message from PAT: "Yall driiiiinkin?"

SARAH What? Does he think we're just a pair of lushes?

She texts him back to say they're going to see Brokeback Mountain. A minute later, they receive a text from PAT in return: "You two are really gaying it up, aren't you?"

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At the Jade Bar in the swanky elements (too hip to capitalize) restaurant on Camelback Mountain. CUTE BARTENDER (who is definitely not gay in the girls' minds) has just filled ERICA and SARAH's martinis to the brim. CUTE BARTENDER rings up their bill while ERICA sets out the cash to pay for the martinis and reaches for her drink, which she subsequently spills on the bills. She tries to clean it up without CB noticing, but to no avail.

ERICA Hands soggy bills smelling of eggnog martini to CB Sorry about that.

CB Don't worry about it.

SARAH Fortunately, I've heard that eggnog money is still accepted in 40 states.


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Later that night, SARAH and ERICA are sitting on the couches at elements, half-drained martinis in hand, looking out over the dark city while trying to figure out where Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn had sat when they dined there Thanksgiving weekend.

SARAH See, this is why I need to move to Denver.

ERICA To be in a big city?

SARAH So I can spend the morning shopping at TJ MAXX and my evening drinking $14 martinis. I love it that you don't have to be dressed up or super casual all the time here.

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There, wasn't that just like you were there with us?