I'm going to ease back into the blogging realm with a new edition of Funny Sentences (Without Context) in My Inbox. Enjoy.
So yeah, now I'll have to go unspread the word.
---
Personally, I believe that this printer is plotting against us and though it has won this battle, the war rages on...BTW just in case the printers do eventually win, let me be the first to put it in writing that I welcome our printer overlords and look forward to their benevolent reign.
---
Macs are largely immune to these problems so those of you with Macs can continue to feel smug.
---
we are in luzern switzerland and will be home late the 30th. < i am reachable by my cell phone right now but would be best to start after i am back if possible. Thursdazs and < mondazs are great weakdazs for me and weekends . < this kez board is hard to manage...sorry..
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One of my friends is in charge of hiring an intern at his (non-journalism-related) job. This is a cover letter he got. From a grad student.
"chris,
i saw ur post about a intern on the [company] website. if u are still looking for someone id like that job.
see ya,
[his name]"
Apparently this gentleman has a degree from loltech. I weep for humanity.
---
If you require wireless access today for whatever reason, please contact [that guy] or [this guy] for support. We can set up a series of smoke signals and carrier pigeons to provide rudimentary connectivity until we have the problem permanently solved.
---
How often do you get to say, "There's a kid in a gold boxing robe next to a chick singing Mariah Carey?"
---
The recruiters at Glacier were more than happy to hire anyone who could speak rudimentary English and had basic motor skills. Luckily, I fit the bill. Two weeks later I was on a train from Chicago to Glacier Park with 3 boxes clothes and only a slight idea of what I was getting into.
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But will there be a good crowd?? Lots of cute boys for the single ladies? That is important. Maybe moreso than the food.
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My golf game turned out much better than I thought, in that nobody died.
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I have tried to study Spanish and am feeling overwhelmedo and very stupido
---
Uhm....your royalties will consist of complimentary air and sunshine....at least once every other leap year. Does that work?
---
As far as I'm concerned the state of Oklahoma is only good for musicals and tornadoes (aka I'm still in denial).
---
There is nothing more depressing than calling the unemployment office and having the cheerful automated voice tell you, "Due to high call volumes, you must call back Tuesday. Goodbye!"
---
My dog's name is Bob. If you shout M-I-Z during the games, he will bark Z-O-U. I'm not sure he likes having "big cats" on his collar most days, but he gives it his all on game days. :-)
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But what if I don't wanna pull the president's face off ... ? :(
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I can think of two stories (the spitting cobra or the horny elephant...), in particular, about nearly being eaten / smooshed (three if you count the time I was chased off site by a lion - not really as dramatic as it sounds, and four if you count the time I chased a lion - also not very dramatic, nor intelligent, but necessary at the time, I assure you...).
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My specialty is geeking out over numbers and data and research.
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If you're in the market for a great TV stand that has glass doors, a deep drawer and doesn't talk during your favorite shows, keep reading. If not, you're done. Thanks for your time; I'm sure you have other emails to read.
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I'll be sneaking out a little early this afternoon to catch Barack at ASU. Pending an invitation to fill a Supreme Court vacancy, I'll be back in the office bright and early tomorrow morning.
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You probably noticed that the two photos I sent yesterday looked amazingly similar. The technical term for this condition is "human error."
Showing posts with label funny sentences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny sentences. Show all posts
12.20.2007
Funny Sentences in My Inbox, version 11
Wow. It's been a year since my last installment of Funny Sentences. Enjoy!
Busch is not beer. What we had at Gordon Biersch? THAT is beer. Please do not confuse the two again - it will only cause you pain.
I'm leaving soon, too. I have chills, and I really don't need to get sick. There are germs floating around all over this place. I feel like I can see them.
Me: I didn't realize it was so cold last night until I went to the grocery store in just a hoodie!
Him: Just a hoodie? Were your legs cold?
This was in front of my boss, no less. My boss! So, of course, men being visual creatures, there was this moment of silence where I know every male coworker in earshot (there were about three) were picturing me pantless. God.
Sunday: Went to the naked hot springs in Ouray with [name withheld], where we ran into my coworker WHO SAW ME NAKED, and vice-versa. As I write this, he is mere cubicles away from me, working on outdoors stories. It's awkward.
That sounds fun, and that day is good for me. Are we limited to bringing our own roommates and boyfriends or could I bring my roommate's boyfriend? Or maybe my roommate's boyfriend's roommate?
Judging from what my parents say about their work experiences, I've had an unusually lucky streak with people here. There are only a few people I want to kill on a daily basis, which is a pretty low ratio of annoying-to-awesome.
is Mr. Scratchy Throat still spending the evenings w/you? i kicked him out of my house a couple of weeks ago. he wasn't paying rent or utilities.
"She's had more husbands than I've had tacos."
As you probably know already, I am leaving for Tanzania in a few days to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.
How can these headlines be so great if they're not referencing mid-90s songs that 85% of the newspaper reading public won't get?
Agreed. When you get an award for a headline making a Chumbawamba reference, get back to us. (realizing as I type this that [name withheld] may very well have done a hed with a "But they get up again" reference at some point)
If I'd taken a picture every time I'd seen Comic Sans yesterday (and most days in NYC), I'd have a full picture card.
It's that time of year again. Time for me to pretend I've done a better job of staying in touch, so it's not awkward when I ask for a charitable donation.
And so I should clarify: I am not selling a dildo. To the people on the listserv or to anyone else.
My boss almost used Comic Sans today - to describe a report I work on! Thankfully I was allowed to block him off before it was sent out. The embarrassment alone might have caused me to quit.
Well, it's back to normal Dutch life. Yesterday Jim saw the Queen, (who came to his building to officially open it), this afternoon Sterling is playing at the home of a Polish friend from his class, and I was told by the doctor this morning that 7 weeks to get over a deep chest cough wasn't that long, give it another couple weeks. When I told my next door neighbor this she was surprised he didn't tell me to sleep with an onion next to my head, their usual advise. Maybe I'll try it.
And if you do get this job, you'll have to write a memoir or an article or at least a J-school lecture called "How a Penis Joke Jumpstarted My Career."
Erica: nice to meet you! (shaking hands, don’t want to freak you Americans out with immediate kisses).
If you don't know Erica, it doesn't matter. By that time I hope to have her innebriated enough that she'll pretend to know you.
this week i'm enjoying the lack of estrogen in my life.
Hey, while you're there, can you stop by the second floor and see if you can find Jason and I's livers, dignities, and self-respects? You should find them in the 210 closet in a pool of cheap liquors, splashing and playing like a kiddie pool of defective clone children.
He's moving to China to teach English. Not that he knows Chinese. Or that his English has ever been stellar.
Everything that sucks at the time becomes a funny story later. Yeah. I think I want that on my tombstone.
Plus, did you see when scrolling down on that Amazon listing that there's a comment entry entitled "God Does Not Have A Penis". Now THAT is something we should be reading about. ;)
everything was great until he dropped that bombshell, and then I shrank away like a wool sweater on "tumble dry low."
Let me know if there’s anything I can do to be of assistance in the job hunt. Even if it means calling you to say, “At least you have your legs.” Or I can tell you silly jokes. Or pretend to be JFK.
Busch is not beer. What we had at Gordon Biersch? THAT is beer. Please do not confuse the two again - it will only cause you pain.
I'm leaving soon, too. I have chills, and I really don't need to get sick. There are germs floating around all over this place. I feel like I can see them.
Me: I didn't realize it was so cold last night until I went to the grocery store in just a hoodie!
Him: Just a hoodie? Were your legs cold?
This was in front of my boss, no less. My boss! So, of course, men being visual creatures, there was this moment of silence where I know every male coworker in earshot (there were about three) were picturing me pantless. God.
Sunday: Went to the naked hot springs in Ouray with [name withheld], where we ran into my coworker WHO SAW ME NAKED, and vice-versa. As I write this, he is mere cubicles away from me, working on outdoors stories. It's awkward.
That sounds fun, and that day is good for me. Are we limited to bringing our own roommates and boyfriends or could I bring my roommate's boyfriend? Or maybe my roommate's boyfriend's roommate?
Judging from what my parents say about their work experiences, I've had an unusually lucky streak with people here. There are only a few people I want to kill on a daily basis, which is a pretty low ratio of annoying-to-awesome.
is Mr. Scratchy Throat still spending the evenings w/you? i kicked him out of my house a couple of weeks ago. he wasn't paying rent or utilities.
"She's had more husbands than I've had tacos."
As you probably know already, I am leaving for Tanzania in a few days to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.
How can these headlines be so great if they're not referencing mid-90s songs that 85% of the newspaper reading public won't get?
Agreed. When you get an award for a headline making a Chumbawamba reference, get back to us. (realizing as I type this that [name withheld] may very well have done a hed with a "But they get up again" reference at some point)
If I'd taken a picture every time I'd seen Comic Sans yesterday (and most days in NYC), I'd have a full picture card.
It's that time of year again. Time for me to pretend I've done a better job of staying in touch, so it's not awkward when I ask for a charitable donation.
And so I should clarify: I am not selling a dildo. To the people on the listserv or to anyone else.
My boss almost used Comic Sans today - to describe a report I work on! Thankfully I was allowed to block him off before it was sent out. The embarrassment alone might have caused me to quit.
Well, it's back to normal Dutch life. Yesterday Jim saw the Queen, (who came to his building to officially open it), this afternoon Sterling is playing at the home of a Polish friend from his class, and I was told by the doctor this morning that 7 weeks to get over a deep chest cough wasn't that long, give it another couple weeks. When I told my next door neighbor this she was surprised he didn't tell me to sleep with an onion next to my head, their usual advise. Maybe I'll try it.
And if you do get this job, you'll have to write a memoir or an article or at least a J-school lecture called "How a Penis Joke Jumpstarted My Career."
Erica: nice to meet you! (shaking hands, don’t want to freak you Americans out with immediate kisses).
If you don't know Erica, it doesn't matter. By that time I hope to have her innebriated enough that she'll pretend to know you.
this week i'm enjoying the lack of estrogen in my life.
Hey, while you're there, can you stop by the second floor and see if you can find Jason and I's livers, dignities, and self-respects? You should find them in the 210 closet in a pool of cheap liquors, splashing and playing like a kiddie pool of defective clone children.
He's moving to China to teach English. Not that he knows Chinese. Or that his English has ever been stellar.
Everything that sucks at the time becomes a funny story later. Yeah. I think I want that on my tombstone.
Plus, did you see when scrolling down on that Amazon listing that there's a comment entry entitled "God Does Not Have A Penis". Now THAT is something we should be reading about. ;)
everything was great until he dropped that bombshell, and then I shrank away like a wool sweater on "tumble dry low."
Let me know if there’s anything I can do to be of assistance in the job hunt. Even if it means calling you to say, “At least you have your legs.” Or I can tell you silly jokes. Or pretend to be JFK.
12.19.2006
Pick Your Excuse
I've been too ___________ to update lately.
A) busy
B) sick
C) lazy
D) lacking in content
E) All of the Above
But Don't Worry
I'm feeling better, feeling motivated, and getting a better handle on the coming deadline, so a new post will be coming soon. In the meantime, amuse yourself with the following super-long installment of:
Funny Sentences in My Inbox
Few things are scarier. I'm certain they'll never have sex. Certain.
He's a hoot! I love parents. They say the darndest things.
I also witnessed my first incident of spousal abuse when Jon 'accidentally' whacked Megan in the nose with his elbow - inflicting slightly black eyes!
Erica said pussy! It must be Friday.
You look great, but the red light makes it look funny, as if you were at a Brothel?
Hi there Miss Toots A Roni!
I downloaded "Century" for use in all my legal documents. TNR just doesn't cut it, IMO. Century looks like we mean business.
Is she the K-State sister??? Don't let her touch any of my Mizzou stuff...it might burn her hands!
So this is an update to my current status as being an unemployed graduate since this past May, though I will admit I enjoyed having this distinction, it is a badge of honor.
Apparently, he and I were involved in some "level one" flirting last night, but I was not aware of it.
Only in the gay community can you see forty-year-old men giggling about each other. It looks like junior high meets a monastery. But better clothing.
You're the most wonderfulest person ever for finding our chocolate.
It's official - I didn't drink today, so yes, you had more beers than I did this week. Now when does fire rain from the sky?
I've always wanted to be a journalist ever since I played a little arcade game known as Paperboy. Or to be Spider-Man or an NHL player.
I'm not using "lay" and "lie" because I don't remember the correct usage.
I'm all for consistency, except when it is consistent S-H-I-T.
Is Meredith really good in bed? Like, does she shoot out flames and bray like a donkey? Because I can see no other reason that Derek AND Finn would want to fight over her.
If I were a lesbian, we would definitely be a couple for as much as we hang out. She's like my other, tofu-eating, environmentally responsible half.
MU beat Texas Tech on the road. Arkansas beat Auburn. OU lost. The Yankees lost. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is pretty much the best sports day, ever. E-V-E-R.
damn that's a long word which i'm sure i miissspellld.
it would be a sad day if your bird flu was what gave you your 15 minutes of fame. i can think of more noble causes.
OK, we're not using that e-mail subject line about lesbians anymore, because one of our columnists just walked by and shouted out, 'Lesbian porn training video? What? Explain!"
And I want to be nice, and I don't want to make any judgments before actually meeting her, and, you know, maybe it'd be different if I met a girl first and then received a note from her after already having a first impression. But... Really bad spelling might be an insurmountable obstacle. Does that make me shallow?
I say: You're either with us, or you are with Comic Sans.
P.S. The reporter sitting behind me just used the phrase 'naming rights,' which makes me think of Dan's blog, always.
Gaaaah! I was so glad to hear from you I got butterflies in my tummy. How cool is that? Um, so cool?
Of course I should try to get rid of the rat. I'm not inviting him to tea. We're not staying up late talking about boys.
So last night I dreamt that Protz and I were in New York, and she was seduced by Snoop Dogg. I promptly sent you and Pat a text message that read, "OMG OMG OMG."
i totally sent that email to you b/c i designed it and was all "e would appreciate this." and i like to send my friends all of my clippings, a la eli cash in tenenbaums.
Why can't good Mizzou news happen on a day I'm at work? 'Cause dangit, you guys already took both angles I was about to pounce on: "I wonder if they'll take their ATVs along, or if they'll leave them for future troubled juco recruits?" and "If he next goes to Manhattan, we'll know he's stalking Erica, just out of order."
The title track will have you dancing in your underwear...at least, that's what I do...wait, that was probably too much info. Uhhh...yeah.
I've been too ___________ to update lately.
A) busy
B) sick
C) lazy
D) lacking in content
E) All of the Above
But Don't Worry
I'm feeling better, feeling motivated, and getting a better handle on the coming deadline, so a new post will be coming soon. In the meantime, amuse yourself with the following super-long installment of:
Funny Sentences in My Inbox
Few things are scarier. I'm certain they'll never have sex. Certain.
He's a hoot! I love parents. They say the darndest things.
I also witnessed my first incident of spousal abuse when Jon 'accidentally' whacked Megan in the nose with his elbow - inflicting slightly black eyes!
Erica said pussy! It must be Friday.
You look great, but the red light makes it look funny, as if you were at a Brothel?
Hi there Miss Toots A Roni!
I downloaded "Century" for use in all my legal documents. TNR just doesn't cut it, IMO. Century looks like we mean business.
Is she the K-State sister??? Don't let her touch any of my Mizzou stuff...it might burn her hands!
So this is an update to my current status as being an unemployed graduate since this past May, though I will admit I enjoyed having this distinction, it is a badge of honor.
Apparently, he and I were involved in some "level one" flirting last night, but I was not aware of it.
Only in the gay community can you see forty-year-old men giggling about each other. It looks like junior high meets a monastery. But better clothing.
You're the most wonderfulest person ever for finding our chocolate.
It's official - I didn't drink today, so yes, you had more beers than I did this week. Now when does fire rain from the sky?
I've always wanted to be a journalist ever since I played a little arcade game known as Paperboy. Or to be Spider-Man or an NHL player.
I'm not using "lay" and "lie" because I don't remember the correct usage.
I'm all for consistency, except when it is consistent S-H-I-T.
Is Meredith really good in bed? Like, does she shoot out flames and bray like a donkey? Because I can see no other reason that Derek AND Finn would want to fight over her.
If I were a lesbian, we would definitely be a couple for as much as we hang out. She's like my other, tofu-eating, environmentally responsible half.
MU beat Texas Tech on the road. Arkansas beat Auburn. OU lost. The Yankees lost. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is pretty much the best sports day, ever. E-V-E-R.
damn that's a long word which i'm sure i miissspellld.
it would be a sad day if your bird flu was what gave you your 15 minutes of fame. i can think of more noble causes.
OK, we're not using that e-mail subject line about lesbians anymore, because one of our columnists just walked by and shouted out, 'Lesbian porn training video? What? Explain!"
And I want to be nice, and I don't want to make any judgments before actually meeting her, and, you know, maybe it'd be different if I met a girl first and then received a note from her after already having a first impression. But... Really bad spelling might be an insurmountable obstacle. Does that make me shallow?
I say: You're either with us, or you are with Comic Sans.
P.S. The reporter sitting behind me just used the phrase 'naming rights,' which makes me think of Dan's blog, always.
Gaaaah! I was so glad to hear from you I got butterflies in my tummy. How cool is that? Um, so cool?
Of course I should try to get rid of the rat. I'm not inviting him to tea. We're not staying up late talking about boys.
So last night I dreamt that Protz and I were in New York, and she was seduced by Snoop Dogg. I promptly sent you and Pat a text message that read, "OMG OMG OMG."
i totally sent that email to you b/c i designed it and was all "e would appreciate this." and i like to send my friends all of my clippings, a la eli cash in tenenbaums.
Why can't good Mizzou news happen on a day I'm at work? 'Cause dangit, you guys already took both angles I was about to pounce on: "I wonder if they'll take their ATVs along, or if they'll leave them for future troubled juco recruits?" and "If he next goes to Manhattan, we'll know he's stalking Erica, just out of order."
The title track will have you dancing in your underwear...at least, that's what I do...wait, that was probably too much info. Uhhh...yeah.
8.20.2006
Belated Funny Sentences in my Inbox ™Fiscus
I've been doing a bit of spring cleaning today and found this old post from Oct. 26, 2005, which I never got around to posting. So, since I had my handy dandy dusting cloth at hand, I gave these a once over to post them 10 months late. Let me set the scene of fall 2005: My computer at work had recently been stolen, Meh-gen was planning the Great St. Lucian Wedding Extravaganza, I was hiring my first intern, the BAWS (Bored at Work Six/Seven) was in full effect, and the following image was circulating again. You know you'll never live the FARC Spotlights down, Jason.
I know, everyone has been calling me sacrilegious because I don't read the Potter books. I went to dinner with a bunch of people last month, right after the book came out, and the response to, "I've never read any of them," was as if I'd just said, "I cheated on my boyfriend with my aunt's dog."
He says he just wanted Hugo Chávez "taken out," not "assassinated." Next he'll qualify "taken out" with "to a nice dinner, with drinks beforehand. Then to a show, maybe Cheesecake Factory afterward if there's time."
I could be placated with cheesecake. It would be a good last meal.
Maybe if you would've worn deoderant your computer wouldn't have left you. Like a bad habit.
I remember I once told S@rah M@gill there was a tornado warning before the sirens went off. She sort of thought I was crazy. She probably still does.
Our senior copy editor claims his tombstone should read, "InDesign has unexpectedly quit."
No, for real: like, are you going to be able to, like, do your job? Will you have to just sit around the office and do crosswords until they get you another one? Can I come over & help "investigate"?
Time flies when you're jumping out of airplanes!!
Have lots to tell about Quin, and I’m going to be a Nana again the end of February----Kim and Matt are excited and Quin wants an elephant instead of a brother or sister!!
Ah, to have "cable." I used to watch VH1 from the treadmills in our so-called "fitness center," but then someone ganked the TV. So instead of buying another $50 TV, the management turned all the treadmills to face the window.
Is suicide by pastry a variation of death by chocolate?
An "acquaintance" who will go unnamed -- we'll call him P@n Durschw!tz -- once thought that Nelly Furtado was merely Nelly's full name.
Contrary to my better beliefs in the world/life/etc, some people are generally disfunctional and incapable of handling an adult, working situation.
Sorry about the delay in my response, I was right in the middle of a deadline and two writers didn't come through with their articles (drag queens- such drama), so I had to scramble a bit.
My life will not be fulfilled until I am pointillized in the WSJ.
Sorry for the negativity ... when your livelihood depends on other people's mistakes, you develop a tendency to point them out.
Wedding plans are making my brain blow up.
And then I went back to the coffee house today for coffee and vegetarian chili. Not because I'm vegetarian. But because I'm hip like that. Though I think all the art students could smell the sell-out on me.
Why is there a picture of J@son Gr@h@m in women's underthings in my inbox?
For what it's worth, I think Tina Fey would do a dead-on portrayal of Myndi of FARC and Wausau, whose new last name I do not know.
I've been doing a bit of spring cleaning today and found this old post from Oct. 26, 2005, which I never got around to posting. So, since I had my handy dandy dusting cloth at hand, I gave these a once over to post them 10 months late. Let me set the scene of fall 2005: My computer at work had recently been stolen, Meh-gen was planning the Great St. Lucian Wedding Extravaganza, I was hiring my first intern, the BAWS (Bored at Work Six/Seven) was in full effect, and the following image was circulating again. You know you'll never live the FARC Spotlights down, Jason.
I know, everyone has been calling me sacrilegious because I don't read the Potter books. I went to dinner with a bunch of people last month, right after the book came out, and the response to, "I've never read any of them," was as if I'd just said, "I cheated on my boyfriend with my aunt's dog."
He says he just wanted Hugo Chávez "taken out," not "assassinated." Next he'll qualify "taken out" with "to a nice dinner, with drinks beforehand. Then to a show, maybe Cheesecake Factory afterward if there's time."
I could be placated with cheesecake. It would be a good last meal.
Maybe if you would've worn deoderant your computer wouldn't have left you. Like a bad habit.
I remember I once told S@rah M@gill there was a tornado warning before the sirens went off. She sort of thought I was crazy. She probably still does.
Our senior copy editor claims his tombstone should read, "InDesign has unexpectedly quit."
No, for real: like, are you going to be able to, like, do your job? Will you have to just sit around the office and do crosswords until they get you another one? Can I come over & help "investigate"?
Time flies when you're jumping out of airplanes!!
Have lots to tell about Quin, and I’m going to be a Nana again the end of February----Kim and Matt are excited and Quin wants an elephant instead of a brother or sister!!
Ah, to have "cable." I used to watch VH1 from the treadmills in our so-called "fitness center," but then someone ganked the TV. So instead of buying another $50 TV, the management turned all the treadmills to face the window.
Is suicide by pastry a variation of death by chocolate?
An "acquaintance" who will go unnamed -- we'll call him P@n Durschw!tz -- once thought that Nelly Furtado was merely Nelly's full name.
Contrary to my better beliefs in the world/life/etc, some people are generally disfunctional and incapable of handling an adult, working situation.
Sorry about the delay in my response, I was right in the middle of a deadline and two writers didn't come through with their articles (drag queens- such drama), so I had to scramble a bit.
My life will not be fulfilled until I am pointillized in the WSJ.
Sorry for the negativity ... when your livelihood depends on other people's mistakes, you develop a tendency to point them out.
Wedding plans are making my brain blow up.
And then I went back to the coffee house today for coffee and vegetarian chili. Not because I'm vegetarian. But because I'm hip like that. Though I think all the art students could smell the sell-out on me.
Why is there a picture of J@son Gr@h@m in women's underthings in my inbox?
For what it's worth, I think Tina Fey would do a dead-on portrayal of Myndi of FARC and Wausau, whose new last name I do not know.
5.09.2006
Funny Sentences in My Inbox
It's been a loooooong time coming, folks. Here's a few of the gems gathering dust in my inbox(es):
Dan...sorry I missed your call last night. I was passed out on my bed with the LA Times. Hot.
I say NOAA should sell naming rights to hurricanes. Hurricane The Flavor Of Trident Will Blow You Away. Tropical Depression Wouldn't Happen If You'd Taken Paxil.
She looks scary. Like she's a walking dead person. I am going to look at her as little as possible for fear she will suck out my soul.
You can't forego your dreams because of your sense of guilt. You're not Catholic or Jewish, so you'd have no excuse.
Speaking of tools, Gov. Schwarzenegger just popped up on TV for a special election ad, and it scared the living shit out of me. Mostly because it was louder than the other ads, and Ahnold has no voice modulation to begin with. "I AM GOVENUH SCHWARZENEGGER. YOU ELECTED ME TO REBUILD KULLYFORNIA." Gah!!
It was then I discovered I am not able to talk to people who are naked (especially when I myself am in the buff). They were all, "Where are you ladies from?" and I'm all, "How should I know? I'm naked!"
You're on the fast path to delinquency, young lady. Next thing we know, you'll be chewing gum and running in the halls.
Is someone offering social lives? I'll buy one.
BLATANT ATTEMPT AT APPEARING IN A "FUNNY SENTENCES" LIST TO FOLLOW: Nothing improves the self image like a pair of fake balls. THIS CONCLUDES THIS BLATANT ATTEMPT AT APPEARING IN A "FUNNY SENTENCES" LIST. WE NOW RETURN TO NORMAL BAWSAGE.
You've been in three of my dreams over the last week. Would you knock it off? Wait... this isn't you telepathically crying for help, is it? You're not, like, stuck in a well or been abducted by a cult or something, so you're proping the astral plane to get somebody with whom you share a psychic rapport to take an interest and call the cops, right? If you are, hold on! Help is on the way!
Crap! I have to go to church tomorrow?! I don't have time for church!
Gandhi spent most of his adult life celibate and a lot of people would have you believe Jesus did, too, but I think the core that makes them who they are comes from how they acted when their clothes were on, not when their clothes were off.
You'll both be amused to know that as I did my karaoke performance of "Dress You Up" last night, I had strangers putting dollars down my pants.
Winter 2003 was one of my fave semesters, too! But that might be because I drank about six nights a week.
Hi love duck, It's me.
Overheard in the newsroom: "My wife just had a sonogram today ... our child is 17½ picas long!"
I did once make him cower in the corner and pee himself. Do you think that makes me a bitch?
Your email reminds me of that time I never called you back... what a horrible friend I am, I'm really sorry about that.
It was 25 degrees here yesterday! ...that's in proper degress, not american ones ;o)
Oh my God! Erica's gone kinky on us! :) And it's only Tuesday!
It's been a loooooong time coming, folks. Here's a few of the gems gathering dust in my inbox(es):
Dan...sorry I missed your call last night. I was passed out on my bed with the LA Times. Hot.
I say NOAA should sell naming rights to hurricanes. Hurricane The Flavor Of Trident Will Blow You Away. Tropical Depression Wouldn't Happen If You'd Taken Paxil.
She looks scary. Like she's a walking dead person. I am going to look at her as little as possible for fear she will suck out my soul.
You can't forego your dreams because of your sense of guilt. You're not Catholic or Jewish, so you'd have no excuse.
Speaking of tools, Gov. Schwarzenegger just popped up on TV for a special election ad, and it scared the living shit out of me. Mostly because it was louder than the other ads, and Ahnold has no voice modulation to begin with. "I AM GOVENUH SCHWARZENEGGER. YOU ELECTED ME TO REBUILD KULLYFORNIA." Gah!!
It was then I discovered I am not able to talk to people who are naked (especially when I myself am in the buff). They were all, "Where are you ladies from?" and I'm all, "How should I know? I'm naked!"
You're on the fast path to delinquency, young lady. Next thing we know, you'll be chewing gum and running in the halls.
Is someone offering social lives? I'll buy one.
BLATANT ATTEMPT AT APPEARING IN A "FUNNY SENTENCES" LIST TO FOLLOW: Nothing improves the self image like a pair of fake balls. THIS CONCLUDES THIS BLATANT ATTEMPT AT APPEARING IN A "FUNNY SENTENCES" LIST. WE NOW RETURN TO NORMAL BAWSAGE.
You've been in three of my dreams over the last week. Would you knock it off? Wait... this isn't you telepathically crying for help, is it? You're not, like, stuck in a well or been abducted by a cult or something, so you're proping the astral plane to get somebody with whom you share a psychic rapport to take an interest and call the cops, right? If you are, hold on! Help is on the way!
Crap! I have to go to church tomorrow?! I don't have time for church!
Gandhi spent most of his adult life celibate and a lot of people would have you believe Jesus did, too, but I think the core that makes them who they are comes from how they acted when their clothes were on, not when their clothes were off.
You'll both be amused to know that as I did my karaoke performance of "Dress You Up" last night, I had strangers putting dollars down my pants.
Winter 2003 was one of my fave semesters, too! But that might be because I drank about six nights a week.
Hi love duck, It's me.
Overheard in the newsroom: "My wife just had a sonogram today ... our child is 17½ picas long!"
I did once make him cower in the corner and pee himself. Do you think that makes me a bitch?
Your email reminds me of that time I never called you back... what a horrible friend I am, I'm really sorry about that.
It was 25 degrees here yesterday! ...that's in proper degress, not american ones ;o)
Oh my God! Erica's gone kinky on us! :) And it's only Tuesday!
8.12.2005
funny sentences in my inbox™Fiscus
Yowsa!! Those people are all kinds of naked.
Good call, my friend. It's sort of like you're Oprah.*
*Meant in literary context only. Unless you want to give me a car.
Dear sweet crap! There's a way to put polls on one's blog? I... I'll never have to make a decision on my own again! My every action can be dictated by a committee of blog readers!
Too bad you don't have enough letters to do ERICABRAKES.
They're way lucky to have you, because someday when I'm running my own magazine or Other Important Thing, I'm going to steal you away and pay you lots of money and feed you figs and buy you even better Ipods. And then they might just have to hire someone who uses comic sans. HA!
I tried "Accio checkbook!" when I couldn't find it yesterday, but to no avail.
Well, as it stands, I am "in between houses" yeah, I was walking down 10th street in Washington, DC, and a homeless lady laughed at me. They can smell the homelessness on you, and they mock it. If I could have a house at all, any where at all, it would be in the Capitol Mall in DC. and on the front I would have the sign "hey congress, if you lived here, you'd be home by now."
By the way... you left and the temperature skyrocketed. I think you must have let the hot weather slip out of your bag. It's in the 90s today. Yikes.
...as I recall it was while watching some Friday-night-of-Homecoming Greektown skits. (If only actual world conflicts were as easily solved as Truman's invariable foibles of the Homecoming skit variety. "Ooooh, Osama, we've got you now!" Truman distracts enemy, cartoon or Disney character drops 2,000 ton weight on enemy, "and that's how Truman saved Homecoming from the terrorists forever," cue Ev'ry True Son.)
"She said that that 'that' that that man used was wrong."
Wanna see what I found crawling on my leg during a shower this weekend? [insert picture of 2-inch-long scorpion] The hotel manager's response was: "We're in the Keys. It's the tropics, you know?" They expect me to uncurl from the fetal position later on this week.
Wide camera shots + hot people + classically trained acting + swords + more hot people + no nipples on Batman suit = AWESOME.
HP has already helped further my literacy; when I saw "protean" in The Economist, I knew what it meant because of Hermione's protean charm on the galleons for D.A. meetings.
Sounds like more fake etymology on the loose.
They're painting my office and I think I'm high.
Why don't I have normal dreams about going to school naked? I have NEVER had that dream. Probably because I love clothes and fashion too much to ever forget to clad myself before going into public.
Did I just make it onto Funny Sentences *four* times? Now I'm going to feel cool all day.
Indeed, it is a sad day. Kelly Kapowski? Married. My heart? Broken. Into 8 million pieces.
Hey, she writes for the Post. She can't be expected to deal in facts.
You better step out of the shower, 'cause I gotta flush ... due to the fact that I just puked in the proverbial toilet
Best regards,
Brad Pitt
Stay cool in the desert! Is it anything like Hey Dude? Just kidding. I do miss that show though. *sigh* Melody and Brad were so cool.
In 11 hours, I will be watching Anakin become Darth Vader. For you, that means the guy who played Stephen Glass will become the guy who voiced Mufasa in "The Lion King." For a whiny Canadian to become a thundering black man, George Lucas better have some awesome special effects.
It's all very eighth grade, but I'm (gulp) jealous. And you know how jealousy makes you feel 25 pounds heavier.
So I've found that forcing myself to read magazines only when on the treadmill makes a good cardio plan. (Curiously, I'm in better shape around when TM and Esquire arrive ... ) Now if I can just figure out how to attach the mag to the bench-press bar, and I can round out the ol' fitness regimen. =)
Happy G8 Summit! (And may America remember our Dear Friend Mr. Bush when our children's coastlands are flooded and cancer becomes like a common cold)
5. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? I'm not telling you, then the word will get around, and then the toaster won't want to work, because I said that I was partial to the blender, and, blah, blah, blah. It's too much to bear.
Oh, and P.S. It's coincidental that half these sentences are fodder for your funny sentences segment. I wasn't trying. These are all just accidental masterpieces.
I used to say I could handle my friends getting married, that it wouldn't feel weird until they started having kids. Well, one couple from the team -- she's our age, he's a year younger -- are expecting. Yikes! (Dear friends: No procreating please. Thanks.)
Wow, that was too deep!?!?! I'm going all 'Walden' on your asses, because I've been sitting on the porch, watching sunsets and hanging out on the dock the past two days!
In His Blessings Love Jesus God Crusade Saved Always,
[name withheld]
In other news, I'm totally jealous of your outdoors opportunities. Although we do have a mountain now ... inside the new Cabela's.
I've done NOTHING today. Every time important people walk by, I'm on the Internet. This is ridiculous.
P.S. I did not copy-paste this e-mail. This one's just to you. : )
So about one minute till deadline, I get a ballet review. Luckily the reviewer had suggested a headline, for I quickly was reminded that I know very little about ballet. I totally should have you on call as a lifeline for such situations.
You all are getting slammed by Dan. He's a like Funny Sentences In My Inbox Machine! Pick up the pace, folks!
5.13.2005
funny sentences in my inbox
This should erase any doubt about my geekiness, if there was (were? were.) any left after the Pat bobblehead.
Body. Sore. In. Many. Places. Owww.
Monsignor Chet, the pastor at my church, says that Christians "need a Bible in one hand, and a newspaper in the other." I let out a little giggle every time he says that.
My dress took up almost the entire living room. I felt like a poofball, but every said I looked pretty.
but i still really like my job so long as jobs are things we need to have.
And when your coworkers laugh at you, tell them to go eff themselves and that you mean it in the most Christian way possible.
I had five Red Bulls and one mocha. One Red Bull, of course, is the the caffeine equivalent of three 12-oz sodas. My heart was jumping like Bush cabinet members.
Kind of funny: I was ashed on Wednesday, obviously, and got plenty of looks but no remarks. Then Thursday and today, all kinds of people have come up to me in the newsroom, talking about how they went to Catholic church as a kid and blah blah blah, etc. It's like they were afraid to talk to me when I actually had the ashes.
I'm not just saying this so as to have more funny sentences in your inbox.
So...does Clark know how awesome his voice is?
so I LOVED New York. Not as much as I love London though...Let's just get that out there. The subway is harder to figure out than the tube. They have those express trains and you have to look up and the bottom of the map to see what trains are express and which ones are local (you know what I'm talking about). Learned that one the hard way...
I ate ramen noodles today and felt a little bit like an american!
I think it would be fun to be a blowhard who has nothing to do except look for errors in the newspapers. Unless that means you're paid to be a blowhard who reads the paper for errors, in which case you're a copy editor.
When the US Postal Service uses [Comic Sans], that's when it's inexcusable.
At the beginning of the night she was telling us she thought it was admirable to wait for marriage to kiss someone. Two Coronas later she's making out with a little Asian guy and flashing him.
I noticed that Desperate Housewives was pre-empted last night. I hope you're coping OK.
And of course, the design is amazing. "Your" so creative. You should, like, design for a magazine or something.
sorry that I still use you as my advisor. Jill sucks.
Hope production's over soon, and that you don't kill anyone.
And is it such a bad thing to read the stylebook for fun? Just asking, not that I'd know from personal experience. Errrr.
I know how tough it is to come to London on the dollar, and I want you to save your money for important things, like H & M.
I'm doing slot on the day the pope will most likely die. Less than cute, but I'm morbidly excited about it.
i got to the airport almost 3 hours before my flight so i sat upright in uncomfortable plastic chairs staring at a tv screen from Dior show anorexic models in bad outfits prancing up and down a runway while I fought waves of nausea from saturday night's excesses.
While I love you, and I love that you were born, so I must love your birthday, April 15 is kinda sorta Satanic.
Puis-tu m'envoyer une carte de poste de France, s'il te plaît? Je serai ton meilleur ami.
First, the dancing cowboy. Now, the Shakespeare's parking lot guy. Is no perennially profiled Columbian safe from death's icy grip? Somebody may want to check up on Henry Lane.
today will be a fun day for me - i'm training to host sex toy parties for my friend who owns a sex toy company (called the traveling tickle trunk - ha ha ha).
This should erase any doubt about my geekiness, if there was (were? were.) any left after the Pat bobblehead.
Body. Sore. In. Many. Places. Owww.
Monsignor Chet, the pastor at my church, says that Christians "need a Bible in one hand, and a newspaper in the other." I let out a little giggle every time he says that.
My dress took up almost the entire living room. I felt like a poofball, but every said I looked pretty.
but i still really like my job so long as jobs are things we need to have.
And when your coworkers laugh at you, tell them to go eff themselves and that you mean it in the most Christian way possible.
I had five Red Bulls and one mocha. One Red Bull, of course, is the the caffeine equivalent of three 12-oz sodas. My heart was jumping like Bush cabinet members.
Kind of funny: I was ashed on Wednesday, obviously, and got plenty of looks but no remarks. Then Thursday and today, all kinds of people have come up to me in the newsroom, talking about how they went to Catholic church as a kid and blah blah blah, etc. It's like they were afraid to talk to me when I actually had the ashes.
I'm not just saying this so as to have more funny sentences in your inbox.
So...does Clark know how awesome his voice is?
so I LOVED New York. Not as much as I love London though...Let's just get that out there. The subway is harder to figure out than the tube. They have those express trains and you have to look up and the bottom of the map to see what trains are express and which ones are local (you know what I'm talking about). Learned that one the hard way...
I ate ramen noodles today and felt a little bit like an american!
I think it would be fun to be a blowhard who has nothing to do except look for errors in the newspapers. Unless that means you're paid to be a blowhard who reads the paper for errors, in which case you're a copy editor.
When the US Postal Service uses [Comic Sans], that's when it's inexcusable.
At the beginning of the night she was telling us she thought it was admirable to wait for marriage to kiss someone. Two Coronas later she's making out with a little Asian guy and flashing him.
I noticed that Desperate Housewives was pre-empted last night. I hope you're coping OK.
And of course, the design is amazing. "Your" so creative. You should, like, design for a magazine or something.
sorry that I still use you as my advisor. Jill sucks.
Hope production's over soon, and that you don't kill anyone.
And is it such a bad thing to read the stylebook for fun? Just asking, not that I'd know from personal experience. Errrr.
I know how tough it is to come to London on the dollar, and I want you to save your money for important things, like H & M.
I'm doing slot on the day the pope will most likely die. Less than cute, but I'm morbidly excited about it.
i got to the airport almost 3 hours before my flight so i sat upright in uncomfortable plastic chairs staring at a tv screen from Dior show anorexic models in bad outfits prancing up and down a runway while I fought waves of nausea from saturday night's excesses.
While I love you, and I love that you were born, so I must love your birthday, April 15 is kinda sorta Satanic.
Puis-tu m'envoyer une carte de poste de France, s'il te plaît? Je serai ton meilleur ami.
First, the dancing cowboy. Now, the Shakespeare's parking lot guy. Is no perennially profiled Columbian safe from death's icy grip? Somebody may want to check up on Henry Lane.
today will be a fun day for me - i'm training to host sex toy parties for my friend who owns a sex toy company (called the traveling tickle trunk - ha ha ha).
2.08.2005
your first dose of funny sentences in my inbox for 2005
I hope your butt doesn't show up on the Enquirererer. Not that I wouldn't want to see it. But for your butt's own personal integrity.
Maybe I'll meet a cute guy to go out with on Valentine's Day, but I doubt it. Most of the people there last time had mullets.
I visited Jeffries in DC, and she's living like a Queen-size bed owning, condo-living mad lady.
I remember your party last year and seeing everyone's faces when Janet's boob came flopping out. That was CLASSIC.
did I tell you about the time that I was in the bathroom and was privy to a business call? Someone in the stall was making a business call on their cell phone. I found myself trying not to pee too loud, and then thought 'wait a minute...I'm not the one being inappropriate!'
My brain first read the "He should be shot" and "Happy Inauguration Day." Draw your own conclusions.
I'm so happy for Pat that he's becoming such a success...but every time I start to feel a little jealous, I just remind myself that he has a Homer Simpson tattoo on his shoulder. It's humbling.
I do have to warn you, my dear, about wondering how those with poor syntax manage to earn degrees from our esteemed J-school. Have you ever received an email from Tim?
Oh! It's the one where I have cleavage! Yay!
what up woman! its so good to hear from you!! are you lovin life?!
I'm gay (but...is that REALLY surprising? Probably not!)
If it would make you feel better..you could take pictures of your designs and e-mail them to me and I could tell you that they all suck, so you could feel like you've got a teacherly person to help you out.
Hey, I just went to the bathroom, but I washed my hands. Just thought I'd let you know.
P.S. Do I sound like a total asshole in my most recent blog post? You can be honest : )
Monday through Wednesday waking up is equivalent to getting punched nine times in the face. The punch being from Father Time while he holds his spike-studded clock.
I just made a up a word, for I, obviously, am our generation's Shakespeare.
Maybe the magazine would sell more copies if you put everything in Wingdings.
I only have three weddings slated (to go to, not my own), and that has grabbed up most of my vacation time. So I too ask that my friends hold off till 2006 -- or get married on a Tuesday or Wednesday.
Have a lovely evening sending your heating bill skyrocketing or whatever your plans may be.
I hope your butt doesn't show up on the Enquirererer. Not that I wouldn't want to see it. But for your butt's own personal integrity.
Maybe I'll meet a cute guy to go out with on Valentine's Day, but I doubt it. Most of the people there last time had mullets.
I visited Jeffries in DC, and she's living like a Queen-size bed owning, condo-living mad lady.
I remember your party last year and seeing everyone's faces when Janet's boob came flopping out. That was CLASSIC.
did I tell you about the time that I was in the bathroom and was privy to a business call? Someone in the stall was making a business call on their cell phone. I found myself trying not to pee too loud, and then thought 'wait a minute...I'm not the one being inappropriate!'
My brain first read the "He should be shot" and "Happy Inauguration Day." Draw your own conclusions.
I'm so happy for Pat that he's becoming such a success...but every time I start to feel a little jealous, I just remind myself that he has a Homer Simpson tattoo on his shoulder. It's humbling.
I do have to warn you, my dear, about wondering how those with poor syntax manage to earn degrees from our esteemed J-school. Have you ever received an email from Tim?
Oh! It's the one where I have cleavage! Yay!
what up woman! its so good to hear from you!! are you lovin life?!
I'm gay (but...is that REALLY surprising? Probably not!)
If it would make you feel better..you could take pictures of your designs and e-mail them to me and I could tell you that they all suck, so you could feel like you've got a teacherly person to help you out.
Hey, I just went to the bathroom, but I washed my hands. Just thought I'd let you know.
P.S. Do I sound like a total asshole in my most recent blog post? You can be honest : )
Monday through Wednesday waking up is equivalent to getting punched nine times in the face. The punch being from Father Time while he holds his spike-studded clock.
I just made a up a word, for I, obviously, am our generation's Shakespeare.
Maybe the magazine would sell more copies if you put everything in Wingdings.
I only have three weddings slated (to go to, not my own), and that has grabbed up most of my vacation time. So I too ask that my friends hold off till 2006 -- or get married on a Tuesday or Wednesday.
Have a lovely evening sending your heating bill skyrocketing or whatever your plans may be.
11.18.2004
funny sentences in my inbox
These have been stacking up (as you can tell by the political references). Enjoy. Can you spot yourself? No? Then send me funny emails.
The republican convention makes me laugh, then cringe. I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger? The two dumb-as-rocks daughters? How comedic can you get?
Say "jack-o'-lantern" in an Irish brogue. Doesn't it sound cute?
You're getting so grown up... [insert tears and sniffling, posing for first-day-of-school picture].
Both candidates made me queasy so I abstained from my constitutional responsibilities this year and didn't vote. I know I
know, how irresponsible of me. I guess you could say I was stuck between "Iraq and a hard place."
My dad comes this week. I love when parents come to visit - I can't wait to go to the grocery store.
Strange how a new city becomes so domesticated -- the thrill of being in London often goes to the wayside as tasks build and responsibilities draw out. It's like we're growing up, or something. Whatever. That sucks.
Only in your* dreams are we sharing underwear.
there's also sunspots in the camera, which i think are cool but others might disagree on that. (i also don't know how to fix that, so i prefer to pretend it's chic).
additive color theory forever! you rock, rock!
I wish it were modesty. I mean, let's face it, I think I'm pretty great. =)
I just got in a debate with my EP over how dumb he is. The answer: VERY DUMB and bad at math. And HE had the nerve to get an attitude.
And what a great - and one-of-a-kind - piece about traveling being a man versus a woman! It made me think of myself (not the transvestite part) because I took a gondola ride alone (and the article said women hardly ever do that)! The gondolista I had kept asking me if I was sad. WTF??
After all, Jesus told us to "render unto Caesar" which includes voting, and when we fail to do as He commanded, we are, by definition, sinning.
Were I not pro-getting some, I'd have buttons made up for Celibacy Day.
Obviously you're not an ACTUAL Catholic, because if you were, you would just give in, and THEN say the Hail Marys and Our Fathers.
This stems from my random philosophy that I rarely blog about "personal" stuff. I mean, everything is personal because it's my opinion, but it's not PERSONAL, you know? (Gmail seriously needs some italics and bolds.)
Do other people at the MOian sleep together? weird. Well, it's back to my cross cultural journalism paper and studying for political science--don't be jealous.
I won't even BEGIN with what M!ke Fuhlh@ge or Ray Murr@y have said about their pasts. Eeeeeeeeeeek
With seven charter revision questions on my own ballot, I'm looking forward to standing in line for HOURS. Maybe I'll take up knitting.
she tells me that all the sex she was telling us about was with Barton. He of course beamed. I of course tried to not vomit.
There's something about swearing in opera form that is just irresistably hilarious. It was completely innapropriate and totally blasphemous, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Be like, dude. We're in this for our pals. We don't want strangers. We're clique-ish that way.
now i've been here for a week, and most of my post-departum depression has been cured by belle & sebastian and moderate alcohol consumption. i miss ragtag and 9th street video (actually, i cried a few days ago because the video store around the corner has neither a sundance shelf NOR cute employees--i'm serious) and, strangely, vox.
im now working for KDRV ABC Channel 12 in Medford, Oregon. ive changed up my political anecdotes for crunchy granola and hikes. well not really...but i do like it, simply for the fact that its SO different from DC that everything is novel.
Ooh! Webster's New World College, Fourth Ed.
For those of you still at the MOian, an "ad," short for "advertisement," is when a business pays the newspaper for space to print promotional material. Newspapers use ads to make "revenue."
once she wrote me an email titled "i ate a vitamin" because she thought i would be proud of her.
I blame my hour trek to work, in which I stick my nose firmly inside a novel and come out oozing with inspiration.
You** are no match for my iron-clad chastity belt which will be firmly attached to my sister upon her arrival at Sky Harbor.
I'm off work -- you're only just started. Then again, I worked while you slept. Now you'll work when I sleep! Mu-ha-ha!
I demand a credit and full consulting fee, of course.
*Not me, mind you.
**Again, not me.
These have been stacking up (as you can tell by the political references). Enjoy. Can you spot yourself? No? Then send me funny emails.
The republican convention makes me laugh, then cringe. I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger? The two dumb-as-rocks daughters? How comedic can you get?
Say "jack-o'-lantern" in an Irish brogue. Doesn't it sound cute?
You're getting so grown up... [insert tears and sniffling, posing for first-day-of-school picture].
Both candidates made me queasy so I abstained from my constitutional responsibilities this year and didn't vote. I know I
know, how irresponsible of me. I guess you could say I was stuck between "Iraq and a hard place."
My dad comes this week. I love when parents come to visit - I can't wait to go to the grocery store.
Strange how a new city becomes so domesticated -- the thrill of being in London often goes to the wayside as tasks build and responsibilities draw out. It's like we're growing up, or something. Whatever. That sucks.
Only in your* dreams are we sharing underwear.
there's also sunspots in the camera, which i think are cool but others might disagree on that. (i also don't know how to fix that, so i prefer to pretend it's chic).
additive color theory forever! you rock, rock!
I wish it were modesty. I mean, let's face it, I think I'm pretty great. =)
I just got in a debate with my EP over how dumb he is. The answer: VERY DUMB and bad at math. And HE had the nerve to get an attitude.
And what a great - and one-of-a-kind - piece about traveling being a man versus a woman! It made me think of myself (not the transvestite part) because I took a gondola ride alone (and the article said women hardly ever do that)! The gondolista I had kept asking me if I was sad. WTF??
After all, Jesus told us to "render unto Caesar" which includes voting, and when we fail to do as He commanded, we are, by definition, sinning.
Were I not pro-getting some, I'd have buttons made up for Celibacy Day.
Obviously you're not an ACTUAL Catholic, because if you were, you would just give in, and THEN say the Hail Marys and Our Fathers.
This stems from my random philosophy that I rarely blog about "personal" stuff. I mean, everything is personal because it's my opinion, but it's not PERSONAL, you know? (Gmail seriously needs some italics and bolds.)
Do other people at the MOian sleep together? weird. Well, it's back to my cross cultural journalism paper and studying for political science--don't be jealous.
I won't even BEGIN with what M!ke Fuhlh@ge or Ray Murr@y have said about their pasts. Eeeeeeeeeeek
With seven charter revision questions on my own ballot, I'm looking forward to standing in line for HOURS. Maybe I'll take up knitting.
she tells me that all the sex she was telling us about was with Barton. He of course beamed. I of course tried to not vomit.
There's something about swearing in opera form that is just irresistably hilarious. It was completely innapropriate and totally blasphemous, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Be like, dude. We're in this for our pals. We don't want strangers. We're clique-ish that way.
now i've been here for a week, and most of my post-departum depression has been cured by belle & sebastian and moderate alcohol consumption. i miss ragtag and 9th street video (actually, i cried a few days ago because the video store around the corner has neither a sundance shelf NOR cute employees--i'm serious) and, strangely, vox.
im now working for KDRV ABC Channel 12 in Medford, Oregon. ive changed up my political anecdotes for crunchy granola and hikes. well not really...but i do like it, simply for the fact that its SO different from DC that everything is novel.
Ooh! Webster's New World College, Fourth Ed.
For those of you still at the MOian, an "ad," short for "advertisement," is when a business pays the newspaper for space to print promotional material. Newspapers use ads to make "revenue."
once she wrote me an email titled "i ate a vitamin" because she thought i would be proud of her.
I blame my hour trek to work, in which I stick my nose firmly inside a novel and come out oozing with inspiration.
You** are no match for my iron-clad chastity belt which will be firmly attached to my sister upon her arrival at Sky Harbor.
I'm off work -- you're only just started. Then again, I worked while you slept. Now you'll work when I sleep! Mu-ha-ha!
I demand a credit and full consulting fee, of course.
*Not me, mind you.
**Again, not me.
8.10.2004
remember "the animal song"? I've heard it on the radio twice today. Other than that, PHX radio stations are pretty darned o.k. I've even got a favorite already: The Edge 103.9
and i thought i wouldn't know anyone in this here town Guess who lives here. Everyone's favorite Myke. I told my mom and she just about died with glee. He was her Summer Welcome leader and she loved him. The first few months of my freshman year, she'd start our phone conversations thus: "How are you? (my answer) And have you run into Myke? How is he doing?" My dad might have to watch out.
jumping right in I attended a MUAA local board meeting last night. I thought it was just an alum club meeting/social. Turns out I am now on the Valley of the Sun MUAA alum club board. Met Mark Mast there. (He was the one who told me that Myke was in town. So is Sam Babalo-whatever.) I had heard his name around Greek Town a couple of times; he was in FarmHouse and graduated in '02. Good to put a face with a name. I am now going to be helping him plan a GOLD (Graduates Of the Last Decade) football watch party in a couple of weeks. I am determined to have friends outside of Ken & Hildie. Last night showed signs that my plans may be working.
for your reading pleasure; or, because I want to make this post extra-long Tomorrow begins The Job, and thus, today is the official end of my summer. So, as promised, here is this summer's edition of Funny Sentences in My Inbox*, Leaky Cauldron, of Sorts-style:
but, all in all, it's lots of fun and i'm glad i signed up for this summer of ulcer-generating unpaid labor.
but elizabeth, alicia and our new photo editor meredith are a lot of fun to work with and accepting of their art staff's screaming fits, crying jags and diva-esque, chilled-diet-coke-in-a-champagne-flute-demanding outbursts.
if i would of been in the States i would have totally come and hung out with you~ oh well...
I was just looking through your photo albums (as your tracker indicates), and I came across you with your family, and you look SO MUCH like your sister, I can't get over it! I know how annoying this is, having four of my own sister whom I look nothing alike, but you two, I was taken aback. Whoa.
Let us know how you're doing! visit us here and partake of the moist but loving embrace that is the missouri summer. or, if you landed that high-profile job in new york, send money.
Anyway, I want to apologize profusely on behalf of all of humanity for having to be in a FIG with (name censored). That is all.
it just seems I don't have free time at home, but a lot of time to spare when it's a slow day at the office (funny how that works). But of course I wouldn't CALL you on company hours! No, I'll just write you an email from my Mizzou account, which is highly discouraged at NASA (sshhhh...)
Anywho, I think I'll get some good clips here, learn a lot from the way they do things, meet some neat people and enjoy myself all the while. I know that sounds like a Hallmark Card. Man, I'm speaking like a director of Greek Life.
I don't have to work today because this evening we are going backpacking out at Fern Lake. I still can't believe I'm going to get paid while I'm sleeping. Fern Lake is where some guys were camping last year when one of them woke up with his head in a bear's mouth and they both got mauled. So I think I'll refrain from using my green apple shampoo today.
Well, it's 3 in the morning...bed calls my name. Good luck with job hunting/moving/repeated viewing of "Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban" (only in theatres.) I'm sure you'll do great with all three.
We landed in Sydney with 15 minutes to get from one gate to another. When we arrived at Christchurch and were standing in line to clear the immigration check-through, we heard our names called on the loudspeaker and instructed to report to the baggage enquiries office. When we got to the office, they said that they thought that one of the suitcases had not made it. Well they were half right. Neither bag had arrived.
No one should be denied getting a postcard commemorating cow-plop bingo.
I hope you're feeling better, and I'm sorry if my voice made you hurl. I've been told I have that effect on women.
I had the MOST HORRIBLE DREAM last night that you died! I was devestated when I woke up this morning, but I was then happy and thankful to see your email.
Love you, miss you. Don't die, please.
Interesting...for birthdays it is tradition to push the persons face into the cake and then serve the cake!
I really hope you all are having a great summer. Don't forget to drink some lemonade, float in a pool and eat sweet corn. (editor's note: I did all three yesterday)
i mean, why would anyone want to live in london, travel all over western europe, and meet tons of cool people when you could live in LARAMIE WYOMING!!! woo hoo!! there's so much to do here; like driving, talking on the phone, eating food, and even snowball fights (but only in the winter)!
Plus, since getting a gmail involves insider access at this stage, it's a bit of a geek status symbol.
They enjoyed turning up their subwoofer and inviting small armies of people into their 2 bedroom apt. My favorite part was listening to them justify it, saying things like "The BOSE subwoofer won't go any quieter!" and "Don't make me call my lawyer" to which the cop just smiled and wrote them a $150 ticket.
Talking is good. Talking is necessary. We should do that: talk.
But everything is done, and I'm now a doctoral student. A few more years and I might actually have a job that pays above the poverty line.
A new salon is opening in Chelsea, and I got a press invite to go 'n' get a free haircut. Apparently they do spa therapies like 'hair sandwiches' and 'scalp wraps.' It just makes me hungry.
Supposedly he looks a lot like I did at that age, which means he's the most adorable person in the entire universe (no conflict of interest here, I promise).
The cat (named Thunk for its initial inability to take corners very well) requires attention, the girlfriend (named Brigid) requires food, and I need to go swimming in the pool.
10:30 means bed, in Megan Is Now A Working Girl Who Must Rise In The Early Morning Hours World
its so great to hear youve found something. you didnt wait too long did ya? punk.
*trademark, Fiscus
and i thought i wouldn't know anyone in this here town Guess who lives here. Everyone's favorite Myke. I told my mom and she just about died with glee. He was her Summer Welcome leader and she loved him. The first few months of my freshman year, she'd start our phone conversations thus: "How are you? (my answer) And have you run into Myke? How is he doing?" My dad might have to watch out.
jumping right in I attended a MUAA local board meeting last night. I thought it was just an alum club meeting/social. Turns out I am now on the Valley of the Sun MUAA alum club board. Met Mark Mast there. (He was the one who told me that Myke was in town. So is Sam Babalo-whatever.) I had heard his name around Greek Town a couple of times; he was in FarmHouse and graduated in '02. Good to put a face with a name. I am now going to be helping him plan a GOLD (Graduates Of the Last Decade) football watch party in a couple of weeks. I am determined to have friends outside of Ken & Hildie. Last night showed signs that my plans may be working.
for your reading pleasure; or, because I want to make this post extra-long Tomorrow begins The Job, and thus, today is the official end of my summer. So, as promised, here is this summer's edition of Funny Sentences in My Inbox*, Leaky Cauldron, of Sorts-style:
but, all in all, it's lots of fun and i'm glad i signed up for this summer of ulcer-generating unpaid labor.
but elizabeth, alicia and our new photo editor meredith are a lot of fun to work with and accepting of their art staff's screaming fits, crying jags and diva-esque, chilled-diet-coke-in-a-champagne-flute-demanding outbursts.
if i would of been in the States i would have totally come and hung out with you~ oh well...
I was just looking through your photo albums (as your tracker indicates), and I came across you with your family, and you look SO MUCH like your sister, I can't get over it! I know how annoying this is, having four of my own sister whom I look nothing alike, but you two, I was taken aback. Whoa.
Let us know how you're doing! visit us here and partake of the moist but loving embrace that is the missouri summer. or, if you landed that high-profile job in new york, send money.
Anyway, I want to apologize profusely on behalf of all of humanity for having to be in a FIG with (name censored). That is all.
it just seems I don't have free time at home, but a lot of time to spare when it's a slow day at the office (funny how that works). But of course I wouldn't CALL you on company hours! No, I'll just write you an email from my Mizzou account, which is highly discouraged at NASA (sshhhh...)
Anywho, I think I'll get some good clips here, learn a lot from the way they do things, meet some neat people and enjoy myself all the while. I know that sounds like a Hallmark Card. Man, I'm speaking like a director of Greek Life.
I don't have to work today because this evening we are going backpacking out at Fern Lake. I still can't believe I'm going to get paid while I'm sleeping. Fern Lake is where some guys were camping last year when one of them woke up with his head in a bear's mouth and they both got mauled. So I think I'll refrain from using my green apple shampoo today.
Well, it's 3 in the morning...bed calls my name. Good luck with job hunting/moving/repeated viewing of "Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban" (only in theatres.) I'm sure you'll do great with all three.
We landed in Sydney with 15 minutes to get from one gate to another. When we arrived at Christchurch and were standing in line to clear the immigration check-through, we heard our names called on the loudspeaker and instructed to report to the baggage enquiries office. When we got to the office, they said that they thought that one of the suitcases had not made it. Well they were half right. Neither bag had arrived.
No one should be denied getting a postcard commemorating cow-plop bingo.
I hope you're feeling better, and I'm sorry if my voice made you hurl. I've been told I have that effect on women.
I had the MOST HORRIBLE DREAM last night that you died! I was devestated when I woke up this morning, but I was then happy and thankful to see your email.
Love you, miss you. Don't die, please.
Interesting...for birthdays it is tradition to push the persons face into the cake and then serve the cake!
I really hope you all are having a great summer. Don't forget to drink some lemonade, float in a pool and eat sweet corn. (editor's note: I did all three yesterday)
i mean, why would anyone want to live in london, travel all over western europe, and meet tons of cool people when you could live in LARAMIE WYOMING!!! woo hoo!! there's so much to do here; like driving, talking on the phone, eating food, and even snowball fights (but only in the winter)!
Plus, since getting a gmail involves insider access at this stage, it's a bit of a geek status symbol.
They enjoyed turning up their subwoofer and inviting small armies of people into their 2 bedroom apt. My favorite part was listening to them justify it, saying things like "The BOSE subwoofer won't go any quieter!" and "Don't make me call my lawyer" to which the cop just smiled and wrote them a $150 ticket.
Talking is good. Talking is necessary. We should do that: talk.
But everything is done, and I'm now a doctoral student. A few more years and I might actually have a job that pays above the poverty line.
A new salon is opening in Chelsea, and I got a press invite to go 'n' get a free haircut. Apparently they do spa therapies like 'hair sandwiches' and 'scalp wraps.' It just makes me hungry.
Supposedly he looks a lot like I did at that age, which means he's the most adorable person in the entire universe (no conflict of interest here, I promise).
The cat (named Thunk for its initial inability to take corners very well) requires attention, the girlfriend (named Brigid) requires food, and I need to go swimming in the pool.
10:30 means bed, in Megan Is Now A Working Girl Who Must Rise In The Early Morning Hours World
its so great to hear youve found something. you didnt wait too long did ya? punk.
*trademark, Fiscus
3.18.2004
a bunch o' blarney
Yesterday: happy birthday(s) to S@r@h Pr*tzm@n and M@rk *zm@k. (And happy Bailey's day to everyone else.) We spent our St. Patty's Night chilling at Boone Tavern. There we ran into Tuttle's Charlie, who was more than willing to fill us in on the story of "What really happened the night of the Heidelberg fire." (No, it wasn't a set-up by the owner.)
more good news
Jack the Mac should be fixed by tomorrow.
the bad news
They can't replace my bootlegged copy of Quark and I can't find my PhotoShop discs.
funny lines in my inbox
Other than that, Ive been working on my senior thesis and going completely insane. YAAAAAAY!
But seriously- i just celebrated my 6-month anniversary (longest relationship ever) with a guy named Aaron. He's 28, from Kansas City, he's a musician and he looks like Buddy Holly/ Woody Allen/ an alien.
Sounds like a great plan with not too much planning, and that's usually the best plans.
Sara and Erica, I hope you guys have a great time in New York. Tell Pete at Glamour I said "hi" and "I want a job."
i got the feeling that my imagination is currently trapped in a moldy can of miller light that has been rolling around on the floor of somebody's rusty volvo for a couple of weeks.
As if 310 wasn't bad enough, now I have to memorialize it in a graduation portfolio. Ewww.
it's not like you're dating David. If you were, I'm sure I'd have heard by now. Because a lot would have to happen for that to be the case...
X-cultural is tomorrow at 2. That is when all the fun begins.
Has Constance forgiven me yet for misplacing her address? I felt awful. I swear I had it memorized. Very, very surprised to figure out I’d told the cab driver to take me to Prada. Clearly, they won’t have any copies of speeches waiting for me in there.
Yesterday: happy birthday(s) to S@r@h Pr*tzm@n and M@rk *zm@k. (And happy Bailey's day to everyone else.) We spent our St. Patty's Night chilling at Boone Tavern. There we ran into Tuttle's Charlie, who was more than willing to fill us in on the story of "What really happened the night of the Heidelberg fire." (No, it wasn't a set-up by the owner.)
more good news
Jack the Mac should be fixed by tomorrow.
the bad news
They can't replace my bootlegged copy of Quark and I can't find my PhotoShop discs.
funny lines in my inbox
Other than that, Ive been working on my senior thesis and going completely insane. YAAAAAAY!
But seriously- i just celebrated my 6-month anniversary (longest relationship ever) with a guy named Aaron. He's 28, from Kansas City, he's a musician and he looks like Buddy Holly/ Woody Allen/ an alien.
Sounds like a great plan with not too much planning, and that's usually the best plans.
Sara and Erica, I hope you guys have a great time in New York. Tell Pete at Glamour I said "hi" and "I want a job."
i got the feeling that my imagination is currently trapped in a moldy can of miller light that has been rolling around on the floor of somebody's rusty volvo for a couple of weeks.
As if 310 wasn't bad enough, now I have to memorialize it in a graduation portfolio. Ewww.
it's not like you're dating David. If you were, I'm sure I'd have heard by now. Because a lot would have to happen for that to be the case...
X-cultural is tomorrow at 2. That is when all the fun begins.
Has Constance forgiven me yet for misplacing her address? I felt awful. I swear I had it memorized. Very, very surprised to figure out I’d told the cab driver to take me to Prada. Clearly, they won’t have any copies of speeches waiting for me in there.
10.22.2003
just call me a lemming
Fiscus has done it. And Maureen has done it. So I've decided, in lieu of my own wit, I'm going to follow their example and offer to you all some of the funny sentences in my inbox right now.
+ This is your fair warning...don't freak out if I randomly show up at your home or place of employment.
+ Some of you have shown concern over an email regarding risks related to use of tampax pearl tampons. I have investigated, and have found this email to be an unreliable source of information (a mass email? Unreliable? Shocking, I know) and that pearl tampons are just as safe as any other tampon.
+ Remember the forms I passed out FOREVER ago? Why have you not turned them in? Search your soul, and hand the forms in to my mailbox. I know you can find it in your hearts to do this.
+ I know, I know, death to me for asking college kids to work Saturdays.
+ Just wanted to send out a quick reminder about Vox's "What do you mean that compound modifier doesn't need a hyphen?" Stress Release Party. (Yes, we are a bunch of nerds.)
+ If I start talking about law school, please slap me.
+ The directions are below and please feel free to bring friends, special friends and very (damn) special friends. Or else we'll sit around and talk about ice cream all night.
+ That's about as funny and sarcastic as I can be at 7:26 a.m.
+ Well, i need to go to glassblowing class! I hope i dont burn any phalanges off!
+ These problems are easy to fix, sometimes all you have to do is sign your name!
+ Twits with wings. all those boys have been infested with twits with wings.
+ Anyways, so now im just sittin here drinking some soy milk, getting ready to do some ceramics homework. I need to MARRY jerome my ceramics teacher.
+ I have been so antisocial this year. Its like DO I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE? I totally forgot how to talk to people.
+ mostly im just takin it easy from the male species. We will see my friend. we will see. Love, Blob
+ i love my eze! everso easy! everso e!! i love you!
O.K. So the last one there was not so much funny as it was just a chance to show my lovely readers that someone loves me.
i almost bought a ticket to boston today
Seriously. I'm feeling antsy. I just want to be somewhere I've never been before. And for some reason Boston is calling my name. Maybe it's because the Red Sox had been in the news until a few days ago. Maybe it was hearing about Luke's trip there this summer. Maybe it was the jealousy of seeing Holly take a weekend trip there last weekend. Maybe I just want to get out to the East Coast in any way I can. But I restrained myself.
This time.
Fiscus has done it. And Maureen has done it. So I've decided, in lieu of my own wit, I'm going to follow their example and offer to you all some of the funny sentences in my inbox right now.
+ This is your fair warning...don't freak out if I randomly show up at your home or place of employment.
+ Some of you have shown concern over an email regarding risks related to use of tampax pearl tampons. I have investigated, and have found this email to be an unreliable source of information (a mass email? Unreliable? Shocking, I know) and that pearl tampons are just as safe as any other tampon.
+ Remember the forms I passed out FOREVER ago? Why have you not turned them in? Search your soul, and hand the forms in to my mailbox. I know you can find it in your hearts to do this.
+ I know, I know, death to me for asking college kids to work Saturdays.
+ Just wanted to send out a quick reminder about Vox's "What do you mean that compound modifier doesn't need a hyphen?" Stress Release Party. (Yes, we are a bunch of nerds.)
+ If I start talking about law school, please slap me.
+ The directions are below and please feel free to bring friends, special friends and very (damn) special friends. Or else we'll sit around and talk about ice cream all night.
+ That's about as funny and sarcastic as I can be at 7:26 a.m.
+ Well, i need to go to glassblowing class! I hope i dont burn any phalanges off!
+ These problems are easy to fix, sometimes all you have to do is sign your name!
+ Twits with wings. all those boys have been infested with twits with wings.
+ Anyways, so now im just sittin here drinking some soy milk, getting ready to do some ceramics homework. I need to MARRY jerome my ceramics teacher.
+ I have been so antisocial this year. Its like DO I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE? I totally forgot how to talk to people.
+ mostly im just takin it easy from the male species. We will see my friend. we will see. Love, Blob
+ i love my eze! everso easy! everso e!! i love you!
O.K. So the last one there was not so much funny as it was just a chance to show my lovely readers that someone loves me.
i almost bought a ticket to boston today
Seriously. I'm feeling antsy. I just want to be somewhere I've never been before. And for some reason Boston is calling my name. Maybe it's because the Red Sox had been in the news until a few days ago. Maybe it was hearing about Luke's trip there this summer. Maybe it was the jealousy of seeing Holly take a weekend trip there last weekend. Maybe I just want to get out to the East Coast in any way I can. But I restrained myself.
This time.
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