Belated Funny Sentences in my Inbox ™Fiscus
I've been doing a bit of spring cleaning today and found this old post from Oct. 26, 2005, which I never got around to posting. So, since I had my handy dandy dusting cloth at hand, I gave these a once over to post them 10 months late. Let me set the scene of fall 2005: My computer at work had recently been stolen, Meh-gen was planning the Great St. Lucian Wedding Extravaganza, I was hiring my first intern, the BAWS (Bored at Work Six/Seven) was in full effect, and the following image was circulating again. You know you'll never live the FARC Spotlights down, Jason.



I know, everyone has been calling me sacrilegious because I don't read the Potter books. I went to dinner with a bunch of people last month, right after the book came out, and the response to, "I've never read any of them," was as if I'd just said, "I cheated on my boyfriend with my aunt's dog."

He says he just wanted Hugo Chávez "taken out," not "assassinated." Next he'll qualify "taken out" with "to a nice dinner, with drinks beforehand. Then to a show, maybe Cheesecake Factory afterward if there's time."

I could be placated with cheesecake. It would be a good last meal.

Maybe if you would've worn deoderant your computer wouldn't have left you. Like a bad habit.

I remember I once told S@rah M@gill there was a tornado warning before the sirens went off. She sort of thought I was crazy. She probably still does.

Our senior copy editor claims his tombstone should read, "InDesign has unexpectedly quit."

No, for real: like, are you going to be able to, like, do your job? Will you have to just sit around the office and do crosswords until they get you another one? Can I come over & help "investigate"?

Time flies when you're jumping out of airplanes!!

Have lots to tell about Quin, and I’m going to be a Nana again the end of February----Kim and Matt are excited and Quin wants an elephant instead of a brother or sister!!

Ah, to have "cable." I used to watch VH1 from the treadmills in our so-called "fitness center," but then someone ganked the TV. So instead of buying another $50 TV, the management turned all the treadmills to face the window.

Is suicide by pastry a variation of death by chocolate?

An "acquaintance" who will go unnamed -- we'll call him P@n Durschw!tz -- once thought that Nelly Furtado was merely Nelly's full name.

Contrary to my better beliefs in the world/life/etc, some people are generally disfunctional and incapable of handling an adult, working situation.

Sorry about the delay in my response, I was right in the middle of a deadline and two writers didn't come through with their articles (drag queens- such drama), so I had to scramble a bit.

My life will not be fulfilled until I am pointillized in the WSJ.

Sorry for the negativity ... when your livelihood depends on other people's mistakes, you develop a tendency to point them out.

Wedding plans are making my brain blow up.

And then I went back to the coffee house today for coffee and vegetarian chili. Not because I'm vegetarian. But because I'm hip like that. Though I think all the art students could smell the sell-out on me.

Why is there a picture of J@son Gr@h@m in women's underthings in my inbox?

For what it's worth, I think Tina Fey would do a dead-on portrayal of Myndi of FARC and Wausau, whose new last name I do not know.

Allow me to repeat myself
You might have received the following email from me. If so, no need to read any further. If not, please continue:

So, here's the deal: Monday Night Football is just three and a half weeks away, and the local Phoenix Mizzou Alum club has a scholarship fundraiser that gives you a chance each week to win $50 depending on the outcome of the Monday Night Football games. There's no need for skill, in-depth knowledge of pro football teams and players, or even for you to follow the game. You don't even have to like football! Basically, for only $20 you buy a numbered booklet, and each week a winner is determined based on the score of Monday's football game. It's totally random, no number has a higher chance of winning over the others, and you have the same chance each week. And once you make your donation to the scholarship fund, you don't even need to watch the games. If you win -- poof! a $50 check arrives in your mailbox. Just ask my friend Pat, he won last year. Weekly emails congratulating the winners are sent by our club president, Jill. The money raised goes 100% toward scholarships for local students to attend Mizzou.

Let me know if you're interested, I'll send you a booklet with all the games and the info you need to know, and I'll email you info about whom to make the check out to and where to send it, etc. And if you need any more motivation, know that I made the booklets this year and had to create them in Microsoft Word, which is, well, quite the challenge to put it mildly. I only have a few books left to sell, so please let me know soon if you'd like to participate.

Of course, I can't just ask for your money, so I'm going to share a fun little video I made of our puppy, Bandit, showing his team spirit:

In honor of National Underwear Day...
This weekend I spent $100 at Victoria's Secret, and all I came out with were six pairs of their cheapest underwear and two of their cheaper bras. And one of the pairs of undies was free! AND I got $10 off one of the bras! I understand paying for quality but spending $30 on three pairs of panties* just seems frivilous to me. (I went for the 5 for $25 deal.) I can get my hair cut for $30, and a hell of a lot more people see my hair than my underwear (I get more compliments, too). So I returned one of the bras and bought a cute pair of gaucho capris at Ann Taylor Loft, which were marked from $40+ down to $19. See this—this is why I could never really make it in Snottsdale.

*And that's the deal! Individual pairs of knickers were upwards of $12.50! Ridiculous!!!

If you weren't able to watch these earlier this weekend, the bug has been fixed (I hope!). I've found YouTube to be a greater challenge to work with than it's talked up to be to upload videos. Has anyone else found this?

Hello, Cute
Just you wait until I have my own kids. This blog will be overrun with pictures of edible baby feet and videos of cuddly moments.


Viviane, the young virtuoso.


"Puppy. Hi." I think Viviane has been attending puppy training classes, too. Note that she rolls Bandit's toy rather than throwing it, and she says, "Roll" right before she does it, too. This is because she's been getting in trouble for throwing things. (Sorry about the sound being off. I think something got slightly corrupted when I uploaded the video, because it's not like that on my computer.)


My poor cell phone will never be the same again. This is totally a testament to how many mannerisms little kids pick up from their parents. Note the hands-free talking. And speaking about throwing things, I edited out the part where she chucks the cell at the coffee table. For clarification's sake: "Honey" is grandma's name.

Selling out
I'm drinking a tall mocha from Starbucks this morning. And I'm really liking it. I'm sorry, little indie coffee shops that I love so much!

Home, Sweet Someone Else's Home
I've had several people ask me how I can stand living with my parents for so long. There are several reasons, chief among them being the low cost of rent (yes, I do actually pay rent). But the secret I don't tell them is that I actually don't live with my parents. I just use their house for storage.

In the past 2 and a half months, I've lived in 6 different houses; I've slept in someone else's bed for 33 nights of the past 72 days. Such is the life of a perpetual housesitter. In the calendar below, the blue lines are the housesitting jobs I've had this month. I have two jobs lined up for August, and two more in October.



I'm thinking of making business cards advertising my ability to pick up mail, put out trash and walk the dogs. I have even been specially trained to administer insulin shots to cats! In the meantime though, let me offer some tips to those of you who might be seeking such services.

1. It is helpful, but not necessary to give me info for how to either A) tap into your wireless Internet access, or B) sign into your desktop.

2. Thank you for showing me how to use basic appliances like the coffee pot, grill, convection oven, etc.

3. Speaking of food, please keep some good grub in your fridge or pantry. If you plan on cleaning out the fridge before you leave, please include a small stipend in the check to allow for grocery shopping. A girl has to eat and if I have to stock up on coffee, frozen dinners and salad dressing because you have no edible food in your kitchen, it's going to make me think twice about whether or not it's worth it to add 20 minutes to my commute to watch your house and pets. On the other hand, if you're kind enough to stock my favorite cereal and a fresh gallon of milk, I'll stand post as your personal sentinel anytime.

4. Please, please, please explain in detail how the alarm system works. It's not fun having to explain myself to the Brinks Home Security people.

5. Thanks for warning me about the stuffed animal you have quite correctly named "Hump Bear" that the dogs love. And I mean love.

6. If you have a Sleep Number bed, an in-ground trampoline and live 5 minutes from my work, I will try to convince you to go on more vacations. An in-ground trampoline, people! That's freaking awesome. Not to mention that the 5-minute commute lets me run "home" for lunch to float on a raft in the pool.

Talk of the town
In case you're dying to know what everyone's talking about in this here Valley of the Sun, let me give you a quick rundown:

- The weather. When are we not talking about the heat?

- The serial killers. Don't worry friends, last time I checked I was still alive.

- And of course, the matter of most vital import: Steve Nash's shorn locks. (Please don't let it be a Samson and Delilah-type story. Please!)



They know me. They really know me.
iDiscovered the new iTunes "Just For You" Beta program today. It takes stock of any songs I have purchased from the iTunes store and then recommends songs or albums based on my history, the same way Amazon tracks what you buy and makes suggestions based on your past purchases. It's fantastic; it's going to help me determine which albums I need to buy next from Zia Records (they're cheaper, they're local, and I get the album art then). This is going to save me hours of indecisively holding up two albums and trying to figure out which one I need more urgently. Here's what Just For You has told me today:

- You own Yanke Hotel Foxtrot. We recommend Illinoise by Sufjan Stevens and Our Endless Numbered Days by Iron and Wine

- You own Transatlanticism. We recommend Silent Alarm by Bloc Party.

- You own Songs for Silverman. We recommend Ganging Up on the Sun by Guster.

- You own Dear Catastrophe Waitress. We recommend XO by Elliott Smith.

- You own The Photo Album. We recommend More Adventurous by Rilo Kiley.

All of these are albums that I've had the suspicion that I need to own. iTunes has somehow gotten inside my brain and has filtered out the wheat from my proverbial chaff.

Posting to satisfy Cecilia
More albums:


Palm Springs



Wine Tasting with the Bigfish Girls



Last Weekend with Viviane

Sunset and Soon Forgotten
Or, I've been listening to my "Sources Say: Good Songs From Good Friends" playlist for too long

I'm sick of missing my friends. But I'm mostly sick of feeling like I'm the only one who hasn't moved on. Growing up is a bitch.

Comic Relief
Or, I'm sorry, Jana, I just couldn't hold it in much longer

So Jana's boyfriend's last name is Caulk, poor guy. But he's a big boy (Caulk) and can handle himself. (I know, too easy). The people you should feel sorry for, though, are the two Polish sisters who married his brothers. (Yeah not exactly normal. Sometimes I worry about Jana.) Their names -- no joke -- are Anita Maya and Iwona (pronounced "Ivana"). Anita Maya Caulk and Iwona Caulk. Can you imagine being in the doctor's office when either of them is called back? Or being the teacher who has to call the mother to tell her that her little Caulk is acting up in class? And Megan was worried about not being able to name her children Jaun Tidd, Anna Mae Tidd, Mel Tidd, etc.

100 Days of Solitude
Or, Journey to the Center of My Soul

About this time next year I will be heading back to London for the third time, but the adventures won't end there. Back in April I gave my two weeks' notice at work...about 14 months early. Probably not the wisest career move, and not one that I'd necessarily recommend, but I don't do well with hiding big secrets. And there's no way I could keep from talking about my plans.

Oooh....my plans. I'm very excited about my plans. Of course they're subject to change based on funds, world events, whims, etc. But here's what we're looking at for now:

July 6-ish: Fly to Jacksonville to visit the inimitable Pat.
July 8-ish: Take an over-night Amtrak train to D.C. with Pat. (The two of us will put on our best Bonny and Clyde impressions without the whole bank-robbing thing. Or maybe we'll take on the roles of Thelma and Louise without the whole driving over a cliff part.)
July 9-ish: Arrive early morning. Hang out with Jason and Kate.
July 11-ish: Non-stop flight to London. My dad's choir arrives the next day for their UK tour. I'll do the groupie thing a bit and the hang out with Megan thing a bit.
July 18-ish: Ally arrives in London-Town and we do the sister thing a bit.
July 20-ish: Ally and I head to Ireland where we'll tour the countryside and eventually meet up with the choir to see them perform in Dublin and Shannon.
July 26-ish: The Brooks Bunch heads to Austria (via Munich?) for a week-ish. Much Sound of Music soundtrack singing will ensue.
Aug. 4-ish: I send the rest of the fam on their merry way back to the States and head out to explore Europe. Destinations have yet to be decided but will definitely include Prague, Berlin, Munich and Brussels. May include Copenhagen, Budapest, somewhere/anywhere in Switzerland, a small French village, Sweeden, Finland and Norway.
Sept. 1-ish: Take an Easy Cruise from Brussels to Amsterdam.
Sept. 5-ish: Fly to Hanoi. Tour through Vietnam and Cambodia.
Sept. 23-ish: Stop in Bangkok for a few days. Take a "beach break" on a nearby island.
Sept. 29-ish: Tour through Thailand and Malaysia.
Oct. 14-ish: End in Singapore.
Oct. 15-ish: Fly to San Fransisco. Check out Mamu and Granddaddy's new digs. Try to recover from jet lag.
Oct. 20-ish: Head home. Continue to recover from jet lag. Maybe start the job hunt. If I feel like it. :)

The bulk of this trip will be solo, but I am taking reservations for travel partners for various legs of the trip. Obviously Pat will help me kick off the adventure (appropriately so), and the family will be along for part of the ride in the UK and Austria. But so far I might get the pleasure of company from Betsy somewhere in Europe, and from Emily somewhere/anywhere that fits with her schedule. Wanna join me?